I have a tumblr. Go to chelseafoss.tumblr.com. From now on this blog will be used as my outlet for my thoughts in long written form...the tumblr will be used for everyday things I think and think are cool.

Thank you.

My Thoughts As Expressed Through An EMail To My Dad

...I am just really frustrated because I feel like all I do all day everyday is be used by God for everyone else…and I just want God to use someone else for me. I know I’m being selfish. I just feel like I spend literally every second of every day trying to love my roommates and put myself last for them, preparing for and facilitating home group or home group functions, trying to love the girls and help them build community, meeting with the girl I disciple, putting myself last for Nick and learning how to love him. It’s all the time. The year 2008 has been the year of me doing what God says when it’s a bunch of stuff I am not interested in doing…but learning how to find the good in it. I’m just beat down. Bring on 2009. And now Rebekah quit leading home group with me, so I have 20 girls by myself and not one of them is a member of the church so we can’t split because there is no one to take half the group. I think I just kept thinking that these situations would be the kind where I don’t understand them, but then in time, once I understand what God is doing or why I needed to do it, that I would be really happy and everything would work out in a way that I never expected….six months later… I understand why it is good for me but I think God is saying he doesn’t guarantee the joy that I thought I would have. This is strictly obedience.

I’m sure living with Alicia will be good. I like her. Really, I know full well that God is bringing her in because Rebekah needs to live with her. I know this will be really good for Rebekah and I will have to make some sacrifices for the good of my roommate. It’s just hard to want to make sacrifices for someone else.

I feel like God has been doing a number on my heart for a while now...but really the last few days. He has been showing me, in really a tough love kind of way, that I have no control over my life. I would love to say that I have been handling it like the God-fearing adult that I am, but really, I have just been doing a lot of crying and complaining. Truthfully, the worst part is that I am not obeying because I love my Father and I know he does what is best for me. I, generally, do it with a really angry and contrite spirit like God is out to get me and force me to lead girls or love my roommates or put myself last or Nick is setting boundaries that God has commanded because he is trying to control me or put others before me. Yes, things are different than they were when I was not living according to God's commandments. Yes, it makes me angry sometimes because I can't make my own poor choices. I just hope that God will change my heart to allow me to see the joy in obedience instead of feeling oppressed.

I have also realized in the last few days that the Foss curse of low self esteem has been sucking the life out of me. I spend so much time analyzing things like what people are thinking or who Nick likes better than me (which I know is no one) or how my past mistakes have ruined my future or just crying because I am upset that I was crying and it was an inconvenience to my loved ones (one mainly). I know my thoughts are completely unbiblical and unfounded. I also know that God is the only one that can change the way I think. (Which I pray daily that He does.)

I just want to make the most out of everything that I have been given and not allow these things to take away from all the things that I could be doing.

I didn't really organize these thoughts very well... so I'm sorry. I'm just sorting through my thoughts.

I must have been confused when I thought I only had two parents becuase I forgot about Aaron Fair. You had better believe he'll keep us all in check. Thanks, Dad.

This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. It started out with a trip to the fair, with a friend of Nick’s and her boyfriend. I’m not going to lie, I was apprehensive about going, but Lydia is a really welcoming and friendly person, and I really appreciate that she takes a genuine interest in me as a person.
BUT
The best part was the mass quantities of fried food that the four of us consumed in a few short hours… I’m talking…chocolate covered strawberry waffle balls, fried smores, a fried pineapple on ice cream frozen in liquid nitrogen, fried grilled cheese with a side of tomato soup, fried green beans, nachos with the good kind of cheese sauce, and a pretzel… not even kidding. Best food ever.

THEN… Saturday morning, Alison and I roommate bonded over some shopping at the Allen outlet mall… which was really fun, truthfully.

But I think my favorite part was couples dinner party at Nick’s house. Nick is such a wonderful host and he spent a long time making a really nice meal. He even considered the fact that there were kids there and made them separate food. I just had a really good time, and truthfully, there was a time during the night when we all sat and watched the man I love have a kids' village praise song concert with two little kids helping him play guitar and bells, and I was the happiest and most proud that I have been in a really long time. God has changed him into such a wonderful man, and I am so blessed to have him.

To top it off, Alison’s birthday party was at our house on Sunday night, and although I do not have much in common with her friends and I as a little worried about how the night would go, we had a really really fun time.

This was just a great weekend from beginning to end.

Thanks, God.

I don't care if this song is on a commercial... No matter how many times I listen to it, I still really like it. It's cute.