Lead Me To Water, Lord I Sure Am Thirsty

2008-10-31T10:10:00.001-05:00

I have a tumblr. Go to chelseafoss.tumblr.com. From now on this blog will be used as my outlet for my thoughts in long written form...the tumblr will be used for everyday things I think and think are cool.

Thank you.

My Thoughts As Expressed Through An EMail To My Dad

2008-10-31T10:09:00.000-05:00

...I am just really frustrated because I feel like all I do all day everyday is be used by God for everyone else…and I just want God to use someone else for me. I know I’m being selfish. I just feel like I spend literally every second of every day trying to love my roommates and put myself last for them, preparing for and facilitating home group or home group functions, trying to love the girls and help them build community, meeting with the girl I disciple, putting myself last for Nick and learning how to love him. It’s all the time. The year 2008 has been the year of me doing what God says when it’s a bunch of stuff I am not interested in doing…but learning how to find the good in it. I’m just beat down. Bring on 2009. And now Rebekah quit leading home group with me, so I have 20 girls by myself and not one of them is a member of the church so we can’t split because there is no one to take half the group. I think I just kept thinking that these situations would be the kind where I don’t understand them, but then in time, once I understand what God is doing or why I needed to do it, that I would be really happy and everything would work out in a way that I never expected….six months later… I understand why it is good for me but I think God is saying he doesn’t guarantee the joy that I thought I would have. This is strictly obedience.

I’m sure living with Alicia will be good. I like her. Really, I know full well that God is bringing her in because Rebekah needs to live with her. I know this will be really good for Rebekah and I will have to make some sacrifices for the good of my roommate. It’s just hard to want to make sacrifices for someone else.

2008-10-26T17:01:00.002-05:00

I feel like God has been doing a number on my heart for a while now...but really the last few days. He has been showing me, in really a tough love kind of way, that I have no control over my life. I would love to say that I have been handling it like the God-fearing adult that I am, but really, I have just been doing a lot of crying and complaining. Truthfully, the worst part is that I am not obeying because I love my Father and I know he does what is best for me. I, generally, do it with a really angry and contrite spirit like God is out to get me and force me to lead girls or love my roommates or put myself last or Nick is setting boundaries that God has commanded because he is trying to control me or put others before me. Yes, things are different than they were when I was not living according to God's commandments. Yes, it makes me angry sometimes because I can't make my own poor choices. I just hope that God will change my heart to allow me to see the joy in obedience instead of feeling oppressed.

I have also realized in the last few days that the Foss curse of low self esteem has been sucking the life out of me. I spend so much time analyzing things like what people are thinking or who Nick likes better than me (which I know is no one) or how my past mistakes have ruined my future or just crying because I am upset that I was crying and it was an inconvenience to my loved ones (one mainly). I know my thoughts are completely unbiblical and unfounded. I also know that God is the only one that can change the way I think. (Which I pray daily that He does.)

I just want to make the most out of everything that I have been given and not allow these things to take away from all the things that I could be doing.

I didn't really organize these thoughts very well... so I'm sorry. I'm just sorting through my thoughts.

2008-10-24T12:47:00.001-05:00

I must have been confused when I thought I only had two parents becuase I forgot about Aaron Fair. You had better believe he'll keep us all in check. Thanks, Dad.

2008-10-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

Shape Of My Heart - Noah And The Whale

2008-10-20T12:07:00.001-05:00

This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. It started out with a trip to the fair, with a friend of Nick’s and her boyfriend. I’m not going to lie, I was apprehensive about going, but Lydia is a really welcoming and friendly person, and I really appreciate that she takes a genuine interest in me as a person.
BUT
The best part was the mass quantities of fried food that the four of us consumed in a few short hours… I’m talking…chocolate covered strawberry waffle balls, fried smores, a fried pineapple on ice cream frozen in liquid nitrogen, fried grilled cheese with a side of tomato soup, fried green beans, nachos with the good kind of cheese sauce, and a pretzel… not even kidding. Best food ever.

THEN… Saturday morning, Alison and I roommate bonded over some shopping at the Allen outlet mall… which was really fun, truthfully.

But I think my favorite part was couples dinner party at Nick’s house. Nick is such a wonderful host and he spent a long time making a really nice meal. He even considered the fact that there were kids there and made them separate food. I just had a really good time, and truthfully, there was a time during the night when we all sat and watched the man I love have a kids' village praise song concert with two little kids helping him play guitar and bells, and I was the happiest and most proud that I have been in a really long time. God has changed him into such a wonderful man, and I am so blessed to have him.

To top it off, Alison’s birthday party was at our house on Sunday night, and although I do not have much in common with her friends and I as a little worried about how the night would go, we had a really really fun time.

This was just a great weekend from beginning to end.

Thanks, God.

2008-10-20T09:19:00.003-05:00

I don't care if this song is on a commercial... No matter how many times I listen to it, I still really like it. It's cute.

5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale

2008-10-14T06:40:00.002-05:00

I realize that God has put me in a house with two people that are the exact opposites of each other. They are also what I realized today to be the extremes of my behavior as well.(They both possess my flaws exaggerated. Now, not to sounds like I think that I am perfect, I must say that I have the flaws of both, where as they only have their own respective flaws.)

I have realized this morning that Roommate A likes to have her way. All the time. In every situation. To do this, she is the biggest bitch that she can possibly be to everyone around her so that they just comply so she will shut up. I know that I have a tendency to do that as well. Thankfully, I have now realized this before the urge to dominate every situation grows to Roommate A proportions.

I am now using the last 8 months of my lease to observe the things about the two that I detest (which are very obvious to me right now considering that I was awoken in literally the most inconsiderate and irritating way possible... and by six thirty I already had used the time I would have loved to use for sleep to go ahead and get up and shower)and make sure that I never again do those things.

So, in a weird way...thank you God for forcing me to live with people that irritate me greatly to show me how not to act and drive my potential future family criminally insane.

2008-10-12T20:25:00.003-05:00

I really need a break. I honestly can't remember the last time that I had a day to relax and just read a book or take a nap or do anything enjoyable and fun and I haven't been on a vacation since I went down to Houston for Danielle's birthday over a year ago (which was only for a day so combined with the driving was not a break at all).

I know that God is giving me responsibilities for a reason to teach me things, but I am really tired. Every single second is packed with home group and accountability and work and babysitting and room mate meetings and home group meetings and kids village and so on and so on. When I get a single second free, I usually just do laundry because I have run out of clothes.

On top of it all.. I would save up money to go to DC and see Jeff and get away or even just take a day off to relax.. but I have so much credit card and school debt that I can't afford to do that.

Dear Lord..please give me a supernaturally restful sleep with dreams of fun so that I will feel like I had it in reality.

2008-10-12T13:42:00.004-05:00

I am so thankful that God allowed me a second chance in the relationship I am in. I know that we should have been over, and I should have lost everything we had because I took it for granted, but He didn't let it end there. I don't deserve it, and I feel very blessed.

2008-10-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

2008-10-11T10:14:00.002-05:00

I have formed a very adverse reaction to all things hipster/scene/bonery/from Brooklyn.
If I was President, I would put them all on an island together to self destruct far away from me.

2008-09-28T21:05:00.001-05:00

Nick

2008-09-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

This is what my yard looked like when I woke up yesterday...gross, I know.

2008-09-28T20:50:00.002-05:00

2008-09-22T18:01:00.001-05:00

I love my job so much! I really do. God was so gracious in placing me there.

2008-09-21T18:32:00.001-05:00

If Nick and I had a baby, it would have a head like this.

2008-09-20T10:50:00.003-05:00

I just watched Winged Migration...that movie rules.

p.s. I recently attended my guilty pleasure band's(Pinback)show. I am confused how a band that makes me think homework, errands, winter, maybe painting makes others want to jump and grind up on one another and scream. I don't get it.

Here is a sample...you decided.

Byzantine - Pinback

2008-09-19T11:48:00.000-05:00

I feel like i am incapable of doing anything correctly these days

2008-09-17T18:13:00.001-05:00

My roommates= anger

Why Rebekah's birthday party was awesome

2008-09-13T22:04:00.002-05:00

"Smashing Pumpkins! I love them! Are they the ones that sing that Mr. Jones song?" - Rebekah Chase

Rebekah: I finally understand why I always feel weird when I date Quintan.
Alison: Because you're racist?

2008-09-12T13:53:00.001-05:00

Last night, I went on a really thoughtful, wonderful date.

2008-09-11T14:06:00.002-05:00

While looking for an overseas job for one Hannah Boshart...I ran across this man.... looking for an au pair. He says he has a child...but these are the only pictures. Why are Americans so lame and Euros are not?

2008-09-11T11:03:00.000-05:00

Worst case, I always have this. 8000 dollars a month would be wonderful.

2008-09-11T10:58:00.002-05:00

Two amends made this week. Surprising results. The one I thought would be the most difficult has turned out to be the most pleasant. The one that I thought would be the easiest has left me feeling less peaceful than before. I do not trust person B, so I guess I'm glad I can trust God.

2008-09-10T23:45:00.001-05:00

Everything still feel so unresolved.

2008-09-09T16:51:00.003-05:00

So, today I did something that really took a lot of courage for me to do. I got on my face and prayed for many days about what to do, and although I did not want to, I did what I thought was best. I am not supported in my decision because that means that the third party may lose something they are holding on to or be embarrassed, which I really hope doesn't happen. The problem is that we can't both have what we want. I hope that God will work in this to make it right.

2008-09-06T00:54:00.003-05:00

I always liked this song a lot...
Kissing Families - Silversun Pickups

...so, as I turned on the Edge for the first time in 25 years, I was pleased to hear that this was playing.
Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

I would also like to thank Steve Foss, for instilling in me an ear for music. If it were not for you, I would not be able to distinguish artists within the first 5 seconds of any song. All those hours of music trivia in the car really paid off.

On a final note, I have decided that I hope Tokio Hotel, although consisting of somewhat retarded twelve year olds, blows up the charts and becomes hopelessly famous with the teenagers of America. They are basically the fourth German band of all time to hit it big in our discriminating music scene. I hope they win a little MTV moon man and take all their money and buy some Dinkel Acker Privat. Besides, I would much rather little teenies hang a poster of these little dreadlocked Deutschen than anything else.

So, for old times sake...
Through The Monsoon - Tokio Hotel

Durch den Monsun - Tokio Hotel

2008-09-05T13:55:00.001-05:00

I am a genius wrist watch fixer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-04T11:13:00.001-05:00

God has been really awesome about showing me the truth in a lot of misconceptions.
Thank you.

2008-09-03T11:10:00.001-05:00

This would be the most awesome church sponsored event of all time.

2008-09-03T11:09:00.001-05:00

yeah-ah

Ode to my dad

2008-09-03T11:02:00.001-05:00

Dad, you're the bomb

2008-09-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

Once the sparkle of the party fades, she'll be gone.

I still cry like a little baby at the end of A Very Long Engagement

2008-08-31T17:51:00.000-05:00

2008-08-31T16:59:00.001-05:00

I love this man more than I know how to describe.

2008-08-29T15:10:00.001-05:00

Ouch.

2008-08-29T14:16:00.001-05:00

Being at home all day with no job + anxiety and the crazies = terrible combination for everyone involved.

Please, God, bring me a job.

Greatest Recording Artist of All Time

2008-08-27T16:35:00.001-05:00

"All in my grill" (Missy Elliot Feat. Lil Moe) - Missy Elliott

Chelsea's Private Dance Party '08

2008-08-27T16:20:00.001-05:00

Heartbreaker (Kris Menace Remix) - Metronomy

2008-08-27T12:44:00.001-05:00

"Help me be better for him, please, God."

2008-08-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

Add a Tuscan Olive candle, and it's like it's 2005 all over again.
Young Turks - Rod Stewart

2008-08-26T15:09:00.002-05:00

You decided a month ago. I decided last night.

Passion Flower: Get You Some

2008-08-26T15:09:00.001-05:00

2008-08-23T02:05:00.002-05:00

So, I am currently sipping tea and recovering from a rare but terrifying panic attack. I have had roughly one a year for the last four years. The first time, I was at UTA and I called my dad crying and he prayed over me. I think I might have called during the second one too, but I am not really sure. Truthfully, it is embarrassing. I feel like I am not trusting God enough if I am experiencing these...or maybe I am crazy. This always goes in cycles..but always when I'm very stressed. (Dad, if you're reading, don't take this personally...you are a wonderful comforter and leader)but I feel like when I call my Dad, he doesn't really understand fully what I am going through and I feel like I am lacking spiritually somehow...like if I was more obedient or more trusting then I would be more sane. (I also haven't talked to you about in in about four years...but it's not just you...it's no one) I thought it was related to relationships, but I have had them with every boyfriend and while single. So, what do I do. I hate being this way. I pray that God would fix me...but I worry so much. I have a lot of mainly irrational fears. Am I doing something wrong? Why do I not feel in control of my emotions? I feel terrible because I have this wonderful man who is trying to love me the way Christ wants him to, and often, my emotional state is taxing to him. It's not that I am just bat-shit crazy all the time...but my moods definitely fluctuate enough to be draining. I just pray that God will give me a peace of mind and help me learn how to be even-tempered in the midst of uncertainty.

2008-08-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

No this is not a kids song, Rebekah

2008-08-17T20:41:00.000-05:00

2008-08-08T00:41:00.000-05:00

I don't even care what you say. Baghead is going to be sweet.

2008-08-08T00:12:00.001-05:00

It's funny how when you stop looking for things that are wrong...everything seems a little better.

2008-08-02T20:19:00.001-05:00

2008-08-02T17:53:00.001-05:00

True.

2008-08-02T17:49:00.001-05:00

Part One - Band Of Horses

The Real World Sucks

2008-07-29T13:17:00.002-05:00

So, I am now out of school. Great! ...but not so great. I just had to make my first loan payment today for the mistake that was OU. This week, I have been really getting down to making sure all my bills are in order, and I am just left with an overwhelming since of financial despair. Yes, I am working full time, so at least I have money coming in, but because of loans, car repairs on high interest credit cards, and the regular rent/utilities/insurance/cell phone/etc payments....how the heck am I going to pay all this.
I know that if I get a teaching job that will be a steady income coming in, but that also means that I have to pay for my certification as I teach which is just another monthly payment. Luckily, God provides, and He knows my finances. I know that if I don't get a teaching job this year, that is Him telling me... Chelsea, you would be broke if I took another couple hundred dollars a month out of your paycheck. Do something else and pay off that debt.

???????

2008-07-28T11:45:00.002-05:00

So, here is the quandry:

I know that there are no problems that are too great for God to fix. God is more powerful than any flaw, any pain, any dysfunction, but does He fix them if you believe that He will?

My whole life, I have heard, "once a _____, always a _______" or "people never change" or he like, but is this just limiting God's power or calling attention to realities that have proven themselves over time?

Is there a such thing as a healthy relationship? Do all people have problems that are dibilitating in their own way and being in a relationship means dealing with those problems and trusting God to make all things right? Do people give up too quickly? OR Is it just smart to run away from relationships with people who are liars, cheaters, abusive and the like? When do you go past mirroring a sinner's relationship with God to just being plain stupid? What is the difference between three strikes and you're out and giving up after the third problem? God never gave up after the third problem, but He is also God and he can rearrange numbers.

My dad had a rough life and had a lot of problems as a result that he is still dealing with today. Does that mean that because he was messed up, he shouldn't have love? I say no because I love him more than anyone, and I still believe that he is the smartest and wisest man I know. On the other hand, does that mean that him and my mom should not have gotten married? Probably. I refuse to think that God places people together for reasons such as to have the children that God needed them to have. God was capable of making me regardless. Now, I don't claim to know the mind of God. I never really understand His plans or reasonings. All I can do is trust Him and try to do what I am suposed to be doing.

BUT...

How do I know if what I am supposed to be doing is just difficult and will lead to God's glory being revealed or if I am just doing my own will and eventually God will make right of it? I feel like there are some decisions that are too big in life to leave up to a feeling you get that tells you you are doing the right thing. Won't God send a messenger just for the big decisions. Maybe just for the one biggest of your life?

I hear stories from people about strangers who come up to them with words that could only be from God. Why are some people allowed to hear audible instructions or comfort from our Father and some are not? Is it because some messengers are too lazy or scared to pass on the message and so the recipient is left with nothing but their faith? Do all messages God wants to deliver get through and he knows that the failed communications will fail so he uses them as a test of sorts? I don't know.
I feel that I have gotten sidetracked a bit.

The point is, how do you know? How is one clear about God's will? I can be patient forever if I know that I am doing what I was planned to do, but isn't it a sad thought to think that one could do the wrong thing for a lifetime because they confused legitimate warning signs with a call to patience?

2008-07-24T00:07:00.001-05:00

Good song. Makes me wish I was in Germany.
Arcadia - Apparat

*note Telefon Tel Aviv Remix also dope.

2008-07-22T21:21:00.002-05:00

So, I've entered into a new phase of my life where I am trying to learn to be led by a really great man who is trying his damnedest to lead me, and it is really difficult. I feel like I am trying my damnedest to be as rebellious as possible. I know that I am strong-willed, hard-headed, rebellious, in need of a good head-thumpin', but I hate that I get so angry about being encouraged(nicely and patiently at that) to do things that I know I should be doing (like digging into God or trying to figure out how to be more compassionate). I feel badly because I am not pouring as much into this relationship as I want to or always vowed on a tear-stained pillow that I would mainly because I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and he is trying to get me to do what is best when I don't want to do it. I need to grow up. God has blessed me with this opportunity, this second chance, that most people never ever receive, and I need to stop settling for second best and make this all that the two men (or really four if you look at it from a trinity perspective) involved want it to be.

So, thank you, God, for this second chance. Although I am acting like a child, I am really thankful.

and

Thank you, Robotron, for being so patient and taking on the task of leading a knuckle-head like myself.

2008-07-22T21:17:00.000-05:00

Not that I forgot.... but this song makes me remember why.
Far, Far Away - Wilco

Gay, Straight, or Taken

2008-07-14T20:00:00.002-05:00

I ruled at that show! I picked the gay in the first two seconds (big surprise). I should go on that and win some money!

I'm a little bit crazy; you're a little bit rock n' roll

2008-07-13T17:07:00.001-05:00

2008-07-13T08:52:00.002-05:00

Austin, Texas. 2005. Amaretto Nog. A Size Too Small. Jessica Bertram. Textbooks.

Lucky Post Number 100 AKA Independance Day Breakdown

2008-07-05T16:58:00.002-05:00

This has been a very very busy weekend/week/semi-month. My fourth of July weekend began with a much awaited and much dreaded day trip to visit my Aunt with my dad and his new lady, which turned out to be much better than my overly anxious mind anticipated. I found out that my aunt was on the cover of hustler once and was paid by Kinky Friedman to write curse words all over his coked out body (which is interesting to say the least). I got some reading done by who I deem the best autobiographical novelist, David Sedaris, who makes me laugh out loud embarrassingly every time I read anything. I was blessed with brats (the German delicasy not the children) and s'mores and Sobe life water (my secret love). I was humped by a drunk birthday boy. I made a mini-roommate amends. I watched way too much Twilight Zone and took a nap with a cuddly cat and a cuddly Rebekah. I hung out with a sister that was not mine where we (I) drank way too much beer, yelled "Kittens" way too much and peed behind a pole at the fireworks show. I watched a concert performed by my favorite singer/songwriter and heard a song that made my heart sad. I made some more amends with people that were way too gracious. I acted rudely to someone I don't even know. I threw up a bratwurst. I confirmed that Roger Peters was not involved in a Red Cross devastation. I bummed three dollars off strangers. I accepted a wingdings adhesive message. I cried way too much and divulged painful information to a man who is more patient with me than I deserve. I ate tons of chips and queso. I realized that I am not what I think. I organized my messy abode. I ate a Popsicle. I stopped emasculating my cat.
All in all, this weekend was great.

2008-07-02T17:46:00.001-05:00

I now have the internet at my house for the first time in a year. This is a very good day.

2008-06-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-18T17:57:00.002-05:00

I just got on to pay some bills, and I realized that because I thought I went to the bank when I didn't, my account had overdrafted and I just paid the bank a shit ton of a lot of money in overdraft fees. I feel sick about it. I had all that money just sitting in my room in a box. Because I have dropped the ball, I have lost out on hundreds (multiple) of dollars between the bank and my landlord. There is no one to be upset with but myself.

2008-06-18T17:01:00.002-05:00

1. I am being paid to internet.
2. I am excited about re-decorating.
3. I am a bit nervous about a Saturday meeting...but more filled with compassion than anger surprisingly.
4. I prefer depth to width when it comes to relationships and quality to quantity when it comes to time.
5. I had a good meeting with a Denton Principal today.
6. I love Jeff.
7. I have spent a lot of time contemplating today...but in a good way.

2008-06-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

and here's what's coming next

2008-06-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

I bought my cat a kitty sailor outfit. So cute.

Not just talking like a crazy person

2008-06-15T22:35:00.001-05:00

6-12-2008
3:21 A.m.

God,
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to be the person who comes to you only when things are wrong, but I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t been talking to you much lately. There is just so much that I am dealing with and I am so angry a lot of the time because I hate that I am totally out of control, and so now I am so scared that you are taking away the things I love as punishment for my behavior: punishment for not wanting to give away my blanket or punishment for holding on too tightly to the things I love or punishment for admitting aloud my anger and resentment. I know I have no control, But instead of just trusting you that you work all things out for my good, I panic. Literally, panic. A wave of worry and fear rushes over me, so ugly, that it scares me. I am not peaceful that you want to bless me. I feel like you don’t. I feel like you just want to teach me lessons my whole life by allowing me the desires of my heart and then ripping them away to show me that you are all I need. I am so scared to get close to anyone or care about anything immensely, because I think that then, you will take it away. And so I am terrified. I can’t do it. I cannot be what I am supposed to be or do what I am supposed to do. I am fearful and prideful and angry and selfish and controlling and manipulative and I will never be what I am supposed to be. I just want to be alone all the time because then I can focus on you all the time and make you happy and there will be nothing else I love for you to take away. I would rather have nothing than lose everything. I know this isn’t who you are, but that’s what I feel. I don’t know what I am doing. I mess everything up all the time. I feel like this is a game of hide and seek that I play with the boys. I hide in the bathtub and they look and look and look. I know they can’t find me and I can hear them searching and searching and yelling we give up…and instead of coming out and saying I’m here!!! I just make a chirping noise to give them a hint…or if I am feeling especially surly…I just let them keep looking. Well, God I’m looking for you. Can I have a peep? You don’t have to take things away to show me that I misuse them or that I do a bad job. I’m openly admitting I do poorly most of the time….all of the time. I wish I was someone with mounds of faith. I have tons of faith that God will do what he wants, but I have no faith that I wants to bless me. No faith that he will not crush me just because he can, to show his power. No peace that everything works out for my good. I once said that I feel like my destiny is to be a martyr of sorts. To lose everything eventually including every blessing just to show God’s might to everyone else. I know that logically that makes no sense. Based on what I know of the God I serve, that is completely contradictory. I just don’t know how to change my perception. Sometimes I wonder if we all have one thorn in out side that never goes away. That is so completely debilitating that we are always forced to realize out insignificance and inability. This is mine. This is one of mine.
So now I sit here and think, maybe if I go up to the square and give that drug addict my food or my blanket then I will have peace. Maybe if I stay up all night praying and reading my bible, I will have peace. Maybe if I do something nice for x amount of people I will have peace. But you don’t work like that. I mean yeah, I am supposed to do all those things, but I am not guaranteed peace or blessing if I do. You are not a god of works. Thank God (you), because I would be in deep trouble. I am completely and utterly, one thousand percent insufficient…in every way. Thanks for showing me mercy. Please don’t take away my blessings. I promise I will misuse them.

Productivity Factor 12

2008-05-30T15:41:00.004-05:00

Applications filed and Teacherinsight completed: 11
Denton (X)
Birdville (X)
Carroll (X)
Lake Dallas (X)
Paradise (X)
Prosper (X)
Sanger (X)
Sunnyvale (X)
Little Elm (X)
Northwest (X)
Carrollton Farmers Branch (X)

Number of Death Cab CDs downloaded: 1
Number of friends consoled: 2
Number of Rooms in Apartment clean: all
Number of birthday presents purchased at discount prices: 2
Number of bills paid: all necessary at today's date
Number of amends emails sent: 1

Status: Day Productive

Just when I thought I was crazy

2008-05-30T15:27:00.002-05:00

Jeff: i just had the most insane/bullshit thing ever happen
me: what
Jeff: nicole showed up at my office, unannounced and without calling, and then made a huge scene when i told ehr that i was busy as fuck and didnt have time to deal with someone who i broke up with months ago
me: what?
She showed up in DC?
Jeff: both of my bosses asked me to escort her out of the place where i have only worked for a month and a half
yes
me: are you kidding!
Jeff: no
me: did she fly out there?
Jeff: yes without telling me
me: what a crazy bitch
Jeff: and she tracked down my office and showed up there
me: are your bosses mad
oh my gosh!
Jeff: i was out on an interview and i came back and saw her there
me: that is insane
literally
Jeff: they were actually very cool about it
me: insane
was she expecting you to be excited?
Sent at 3:19 PM on Friday
Jeff: yes
and she freaked out when i said she was being crazy
me: so is she going to be waiting for you after work?
Jeff: i told her she shoudl go ahead and get right back on a plane
i hope not
me: oh my gosh!
Jeff
That's insane
you are a crazy magnet
Sent at 3:21 PM on Friday
Jeff: how fucked up is that
i was sooooo embarrassed
me: wow
well at least you had an interesting day
i'm blogging about that
sometime I think I am crazy until I think about your exes
Jeff: jesus
they are all fucked up
me: do you have some type of a savior complex
Jeff: i dont know theyre crazy when i start dating them
me: hmmm
Jeff: i only dated her for like five month
s
me: well you should have girls fill out a resume and send it to me for review
Jeff: jesus i know
me: I could set up an online quiz
Jeff: hahaha that may be the way to go
me: it will filter out some of them
and atleast leave only the liars
Sent at 3:26 PM on Friday
Jeff: i couldnt fucking believe it
me: that is really crazy
Jeff: everyone kept coming up to me and asking who she was and why she was there
so i had to explain the whole situation over and over
and then she tried to give me an envelope of pictures and i told her i wasnt taking anything from her and she had better get to the airport
me: well at least you look really desirable to the other ladies in the office...like there is something they don't even know that they didn't know about you
oh my gosh!
was she crying
Sent at 3:29 PM on Friday
Jeff: everywhere
me: oh no!
That is really horrible! I'm sorry for you
me: well hopefully she got the hint
Jeff: i couldnt have been any more clear
me: that's good
when I come visit you, I promise I will make no scenes
Jeff: she was back in the advertising office making a fucking scene and was being consoled by some woman ive never spoken to before
hahaha how nice of you
me: oh no!
that's inappropriate
that's really inappropriate
Jeff: umm yeah
it was disgusting
me: in her crazy head does she think you are still together?
Jeff: yes
she didnt get it
when i dumped her and then wen she dumped me back
me: hmmm
that's the craziest thing I have heard in 2008

More thoughts

2008-05-28T17:28:00.002-05:00

This song is still always stuck in my head.

Dance My Pain Away - Rod Lee

Is it possible for two people to bicker more over ordering beer too slowly and how to correctly hold a cell phone and then flatter each other with sickeningly-sweet-footless-sock-and-dj-set-list-skills inspired complements more? I think not. In the spirit of my post on April 3rd, I am still one million percent convinced that there is no one I would rather spend a night with on the face of this earth.

I'm excited about my new impulse buys. (Which all look much less porn-y on me).

2008-05-27T11:59:00.002-05:00

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is an amazing movie.

I think one of my main problems is that I am a very surreal thinker which is good and bad. Yes, I get upset and don't understand why life is not like I imagine it to be...but it can be good too, because only crazies like us are capable of sticking with an idea no matter what.

An Alphabet of Thoughts

2008-05-18T15:20:00.003-05:00

A. I love when people list things.
B. Being a graduate is weird... but I'm starting to enjoy it more and more and be freaked out less and less.
C. Isn't today beautiful?
D. Last night I realized the answer to a puzzling situation was no. I have nothing to worry about.
E. Why does romanticism for a girl equal the crazies? I feel like God has remedied this situation a little in my mind today. I'm not crazy by nature. I know this because alone, I am very very very even tempered and rational. I think this correlates more with my commitment to lesen meine Bibel, and less with outside influences.
F. I am currently sipping the most delicious apricot-mango iced tea.
G. This summer, I am going to become a really awesome cook. Please, come over and let me cook for you.
H. Natalie Amendola...if you are reading this... I really like you. I hope you are having a great day.
I. I have become friends with my neighbors...I am going to have a block party once I have every weekend off.
J. Movie Tavern is sucking the life out of me. Please, pray that I can get through the next two weeks.
K. I have kept my apartment really clean for two days. Which is a step in the right direction.
L. I have these cards that have dragonflies on them that I have had since jr. high and I am about to mail them out as thank you notes because I need to use them. Although, they look like cards for a jr. higher.
M. I got a card in the mail congratulating me for graduating from high school..which is funny.
N. I wish I had more Matt Chandler faith and less Chelsea Foss faith.
O. Yesterday I ran to the cemetery which was both healthy and scenic. There was no ghost dog there.
P. I am proud of myself for only eating three pieces of that huge cake.
Q. Please, if you see me...convince me to spend less money.
R. Why is it that I have to unsubscribe to mailing lists like 14 times?
S. I have been sitting here for an hour trying to think of what to say in an amends email, and I still don't know. I wish they were all over. I suck at discerning.
T. Instead of sitting and wondering if it is possible, I will just make it happen. (This does not involve letter S).
U. I love Kids Village song hour. It always puts me in the best mood. I love Chili Lugo...and one of my girls gave me a kiss goodbye today, which was really sweet.
V. Instead of failing two classes, I made 3 A's and 2 B's.
W. I wish I was friends with Lyndsay Knecht Milne. I have really enjoyed talking to her the last two times. If she is reading this..that might be weird. You never know who finds you on here. Especially with links on myspace and facebook. But it's true. I like the way you speak. It is calming.
X. I want to go to the beach and watch waves for a bit.
Y. I'm glad my manipulating days are over. I thought about it for a bit...but the thought of being honest and transparent and selfless is much better. So, I am not going to control anymore. Which is hard to trust that God will take care of it, and trust that He will not take things I really want away from me, and if He does...it is for a reason. He is better at handling things than my manipulating ever was.
Z. I want to have a girls craft night. Who wants to join?

The Most Magical Thing Happens After 10 P.M...

2008-05-08T09:49:00.001-05:00

The streets clear out and the stoplights flash yellow exactly in sync with this song. It's like the perfect music video.

2008-05-06T18:52:00.000-05:00

(note) don't be offended by below statement...I'm just being honest.

2008-05-06T18:46:00.002-05:00

I realize that as the time approaches for me to re-enter into the world of romance and love, I am terrified.

2008-05-05T09:53:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning scared of the future. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I just have to keep remembering the worst things that ever happened in my life were the things that never happened at all.

2008-05-03T15:13:00.002-05:00

First off...go see this movie.

Secondly...I want to see Baghead movie like crazy. What an awesome name for a movie about a guy with a bag on his head. Seriously.

2008-05-02T13:27:00.001-05:00

Chelsea + Mindy + Audrey + Urban Outfitters + Soup and Salad = I am super excited.

Paul Banks said it best...

2008-05-01T12:31:00.001-05:00

"it will be alright"

2008-04-29T01:05:00.003-05:00

The eternal dilemma. This vs. This

part II

2008-04-27T22:58:00.001-05:00

You say that you don't understand because you don't feel the same way that I do, and you don't know how to get to that place. I feel the way I do because love is a decision, not an emotion. (Don't get freaked out...I'm not saying I love you)

Yes. There are days when I wake up and I think, this is too hard. I want to just be alone where it's easier. There are days when I think, man, he/we has/have a lot of problems that will take a lot of time and patience to work through. Is this worth it? There are times when I think that I am scared of what could maybe possibly happen because the situations are plausible or they happened in the past. There are times when I think this is not like I thought it would be.

But the truth of the matter is...that's not reality. I want something fulfilling. It is completely absurd to think that things will always be easy, or happy, or two people will always want to be with each other or even like each other. That's not the point. The point is to mimic a relationship with God here on earth. There are times when a relationship with Him feels impossible or confusing or too difficult? There are times when I am so tired of being forced to be selfless that I want to quit. There are times when no relationship with God looks like the greener pasture. I just know that that's not the truth.

So, no. I do not love you in this way that is impossible for you to experience. I am not peaceful and sure all the time. I made a decision. I prayed about it. I thought about it. I weighed the options. I made a decision.

side note: (...and No, just because I am sure and I want to be here for you and put my time into something worthwhile does not mean that my whole world revolves around you and I cannot be apart from you. (e.g. you going out with friends leads to a freak-attack on my behalf) I wasn't looking for a ring and some kids. (well, at least not anytime in the near future) I just wanted to have you to organize some ticket stubs with and discuss some shredding ESV passages with and go see a movie or two with and talk to when I had a rough day or didn't know what to do during this insane real-world transition time...maybe mixed with some cooking and record playing.)

I know none of this matters now. I just wanted to get it all out. I respect your decision. I still stand by the statement that I want you to be happy above all else.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

and I'm sorry for those of you reading this that this is not directed to. You must be confused. Hopefully, this will apply to your life in some way.

2008-04-27T22:38:00.002-05:00

Well,to be honest, I was expecting that to go more along the lines of "Hey, my life is really busy and hectic right now, and I don't know how to deal with all these changes. Can I have some space and come back to this when things are less crazy? I know that I don't know how to fix this, but it's what I want and I will trust God to do that in it's own time."..
I can either go two ways: I could be upset and think that I don't know what to think when the only thing I ever felt sure and peaceful about turned out to be untrue (which challenges the shit out of my sense of peacefulness)..or I can be optimistic and say at least that showed me how to be patient when things you want seem to come about slowly or difficultly, and now my intercession and journal writing skills have been perfected. Fortunately, my pessimistic days are behind me.

2008-04-25T13:09:00.001-05:00

The last few days have been really rough to say the least. I have feel like a giant stone of anger and hopelessness was being pressed down upon me. There were some things about a sovereignty discussion that left me disheartened and on top of that someone I care about very deeply is going through a rough time which really pains me. It is also really hard for me to not control things…even though when I do they end up really badly.
After a tear filled conversation with my dad…he showed me Zechariah 13:8-9. I feel like this last year has been really really tough. I feel like God has been throwing me into the fire repeatedly and usually it makes me want to quit (because running away and hiding it in European vacations and exciting new lives is what I do best). It sucks. I want so badly to hold onto the dysfunctional parts of myself because in a weird sick way, they give me comfort. I don’t know who I am without them, but at the end of every trial I am so thankful that those flaws are gone because now I have a new freedom that I never knew existed. Then the next round begins and I get angry. Refinement seems too hard or too painful, and my life is so much easier without it, but then again at the end, I am once again thankful. God is probably tired of hearing me say, “You were right. How could I not have seen”, just for me to turn around and try to pummel my dirt back out of His hands.
Why do we do this? When I look back at the last two years of my life, do I want to be that person? NO! Absolutely not. Never. At the time, did I know something was wrong. Not really. Did I see my dysfunction? No. Did I think that staying the way I was would be easier? Hell, yes I did. Was it easier? In some ways, yes. Would I take this all back for anything? No.
So, now when I look at my future, I see this road going up a mountain, and sometimes I have to jump over crocodile pits with no rope, and sometimes there are groups of people on the side trying to spit on me and push me off, and sometimes there are these weird dinosaur looking things that I have never ever seen or heard of that breath fire and stomp on me (but they aren’t dragons), but most of the time there are little grassy picnic areas or some magnolia bushes/trees, and sometimes there is nothing really but a dirt path with some sunshine…but at the end is me…much happier…and surrounded by all the people that I would have hurt or not ever been able to enjoy and love on had I just stayed at the bottom before the snake pits.
So, I am just going to remember that during times like these. I would rather be the joy-filled/more encouraging/ less offensive/ peaceful/ content/ less controlling Chelsea at the top. Unfortunately, happiness comes at a price…but I’m ok with that.

2008-04-24T22:45:00.001-05:00

And vice is never really a good source of advice.

2008-04-24T22:38:00.003-05:00

1. What's the point in joining a homegroup if no one is there for you when you need them?

2. I know I wasn't wrong this whole time. I just don't understand how to handle this situation.

2008-04-23T15:36:00.002-05:00

1. If discontentment were a person, I would...well...I was thinking of all these really awesome ways to kill someone...but I wouldn't actually do any of them...but I'd want to.

2. I love this song.

3. I woke up super depressed today. I think I'm going to open all the windows and paint a picture.

4. My cat just walked over to the tree, ate a leaf, walked inside, threw it up (ruining my lunch), waited until I cleaned it up, walked back over to the tree, and ate another leaf. He's cleaning it up this time.

5. I just made cinnamon cookies. Delicious. If anything can cheer me up..it's Bill Callahan, April air, and baked goods.

6. On a bright note...the leaves outside my classroom window are really nice and big now. I felt like I was in a tree house school all day today. Seeing that I am strangely preoccupied with leaves this season, this is a good thing.

7. This white guy just walked past my apartment flowing really loudly. That was awesome.

2008-04-16T00:05:00.000-05:00

I am very happy with my life. Thanks Big Man.

2008-04-12T01:17:00.001-05:00

I just need some help.

2008-04-09T14:58:00.000-05:00

Good thing I called nautical/jungle themes for summer in advance.

2008-04-03T23:09:00.001-05:00

I understand.

I feel like this song is a memory in the making. Complete with open windows and summer air.

2008-04-03T22:38:00.002-05:00

Previously, I was very uninterested in this idea...but I am now interested in being completely faggy in love. I mean song writing, picture painting, glitter card crafting love. The kind where if someone says...is that your boyfriend... I say "yes, and he is wonderful". I don't mean faggy in the derogatory sense...but more in the Broken Social Scene sense. Please, consider if you are a person also interested...and apply within.

After hearing multiple people say similar things today...

2008-04-02T22:12:00.001-05:00

I'm glad that God will change a heart (whether greatly or subtly) in an instant, and we can call it an epiphany.

I also forgot how much I love this song.

2008-04-01T15:00:00.002-05:00

Who wants to discuss this?

and the only one that's missing is the one I'm actually obsessed with... even though the Carter Family does hold a special place in my heart. And where does Leadbelly fit in the mix?

Der perfekte Tag

2008-04-01T14:40:00.002-05:00

So, I just got off of my long-distance surprise phone call from one Mrs. Susie Hartmann-Kraft. Where has my life gone? Am I older than I think? The little baby that I moved to Germany to take care of post-birth is in Kindergarten. What? I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel the pull for Deutschland, but the tug is much weaker now, which is good. I hope that someday I can take my significant-husband with me and show him all the places that I fell in love with so many years ago. Maybe spreche some Deutsch to my little Amerikanishen Kinder around the house...in 30 years when I am ready for that. It was really nice to talk to her anyways. That was an experience that I will be thankful for for the rest of my life.

On that note... this song is now stuck in my head.

For a Second, I Wished I Was A Mom

2008-03-30T19:18:00.003-05:00

I can absolutely one thousand percent guarantee that my kids will be watching this show... and maybe only this show.

and if you know me.. you know how much I love this song... and little Frodo Baggins dancing along is a double whammy!

What?

2008-03-29T03:30:00.002-05:00

So, tonight I had to stay late for the midnight showing of Rocky Horror.. hence the fact that it is 3:30 and I am just walking in the door from work (but luckily I got lots of free work beer)...anyways... that show is messed up. I love the movie... but that was a lot of people stripping and throwing things and yelling weird inside jokes... I literally walked around with my mouth open in horror (not Rocky horror) (p.s. that joke will not be funny once this beer wears off)all night...but if I have to stay at work all night... at least it was entertaining and I worked with my 3 favorite work friends...so that's awesome. Anyways... I'm just wasting time. That's all.

Straight Up

2008-03-28T13:30:00.002-05:00

So, it today a perfect cloudy day to compliment yesterday's 73 degree sunny wonder or what?

1. I now have my tassel...so that's awesome. I am set to walk the stage.
2. If I had a ton of extra money to spend, I would be sitting on this right now.
3. Today in class I remembered how pompous Americans are seeing that we fire-bombed Hamburg and called it "Operation Gomorrah".
4. *Note. I'm ok with you changing your mind a thousand times.
5. That's all. :)

2008-03-27T13:07:00.002-05:00

So, today has already been a very introspective day for me.

I feel like I am torn about how to feel..how to think... what to do. God has clearly placed me in this situation that is difficult (and understandably so). In my heart, I know that we receive the most joy and fulfillment through difficult situations because we have to fight through them and grow throughout them. I have been blessed with this supernatural peace and understanding up until now that has allowed me to look through the hurtful words and the anger to the source and allowed me to respond in appropriate and uplifting ways that are contradictory to my nature. For this, I am so thankful because I have wanted nothing more than to really bestow love and compassion upon those which I have hurt in the past. I feel like this peace has been confirmation that I am doing the right thing and that God will continue to give me what I need to help bring healing to a tattered and painful situation.

The problem is now, I suppose, within myself. You see, in my pain and shame, I tried to fix things in a way that was not in God's plan. I thought that I could do right by someone else and that would negate the damage I had done. Unfortunately, I spent half a year trying to counteract my behavior with the wrong person...incidentally with someone who took a hurting and guilt filled person and did nothing but tell her how she wasn't good enough, or didn't do things the right way, or wasn't enough...over and over again, day in and day out. But my mixed up mind spent all that time thinking... "well, at least I know how it feels"... and "this is my payment for the way I acted". "Now I know". But that did nothing but harm.

So, now I'm in a place where I actually have a chance to make things right with the person that I should have done right by in the beginning...but the problem is that this person is so filled with pain and anger and resentment... that I am back at square one. I want nothing more than to love this person through the pain and come out at the end better people...but sometimes I am just so beat down from the last year and a half of being told and thinking that I wasn't good enough... wasn't worthy...was nothing but a... that my spirit is crushed. So, what do I do?

I'm living in fear of saying the wrong thing or reacting in a selfish way, and I don't know what is a healthy response anymore.

I know in my heart that despite who I was, I am not that person anymore. I know that I was not always a vengeful and contemptuous woman. I would like to think that (although some people do not agree) I was not at every moment a horrible person. (but if people tell you all the time how horrible you are... you have no choice but to believe it).

Although, I do not always believe it in my heart, I think that I deserve someone to think I'm wonderful. I deserve for someone to look past my sin and my past and say... "Chelsea, you are not that person anymore. That is in the past". I deserve to spend my life with someone who loves me... loves me...for me. Who wants to be around me because they enjoy my company. Who thinks I am beautiful the way I am... and not how I could look if I only looked more like... or dressed more like... Who respects my opinion and wants to hear what I have to say. Who wants to be with me...and not only because it forces him to connect with reality or because I am just the only choice that God gave him so he has to learn to fight through the pain of my company. Someone who makes me feel good about myself. I just want to live a life where everything is not based upon who I was, or what I did, or how I acted before. I don't want to spend the next 80 years of my life indebted to people because I hurt them before. Or worse loving someone unconditionally who is physically ill in your presence.

Is that asking too much? Is that just not my lot in life? Is that was God is working on doing right now? I don't know. I like to think that is what God is doing and that everyday is bringing me one step closer to that dream I have. That dream where the past really is in the past. That dream where two people can spend time together really enjoying one another (for the people that they really and truly are sin and all) and not thinking about pain or blaming or hating. That is what gives me more joy and peace and patience...but how do I know? What do I do? How should I think?

2008-03-27T10:32:00.001-05:00

My heart is very heavy today.